


Ride for Ruin

by TaleasOldasTimeandSpace



Series: Adventures of Darcy and Balrog [5]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Balrog the Bilgesnipe, Crack, Darcyland, Gen, Gratuitous Lord of the Rings references, don't mess with darcy in the middle of her middle earth marathon, it will not go well for you, palpatine the taser
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-27
Updated: 2017-02-27
Packaged: 2018-09-27 05:02:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9969254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TaleasOldasTimeandSpace/pseuds/TaleasOldasTimeandSpace
Summary: Darcy asks very little of the universe.  But mess with her annual Middle Earth Marathon, and she'll come down on you faster than Gollum after the ring.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is for [Often_Reading](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Often_Reading/pseuds/Often_Reading), who wanted 'Darcy riding Balrog through a swarm of goons, wielding a croquet mallet and yelling 'Death!' like the Rohanir speech from LOTR.'

Darcy was generally an easy-going person.  She had to be.  If she was as insane as the people she lived with, the Avengers—along with about half the world—would implode spectacularly.

(Seriously.  The last time she took a vacation, they ended up duking it out at an airport in Germany.  When asked why, Tony and Steve pointed at each other and said _‘He started it!’_   She’d had to ground them all for a month.)

Experience (and several adopted brothers, who answered to Steve, Bucky, Clint, and Sam) had taught her to roll with the punches (it was her self-appointed sister, Nat, who taught her how to hit back), so there was very little that fazed her anymore.  There was much that irritated her, yes, but with the aid of coffee, she could generally shrug it off.

The only exception to her if-no-one’s-bleeding-it’s-probably-going-to-be-fine policy was her annual Middle Earth Marathon.  She felt it was not unreasonable to once a year take two days to watch the six _Hobbit_ and _Lord of the Rings_ movies (extended editions, of course) straight through.  With occasional snack-and-nap breaks, because actually watching them straight through was something beyond the scope of mortal men _and_ crazy-awesome Avengers wranglers.

(She’d done it once.  Afterwards she’d gone down to Jane’s lab and built...something...out of radio parts and duct tape before crashing for sixteen hours straight.  When she woke up, it was sitting next to her, chittering.  It kind of looked like a squirrel, and it was semi-sentient.  She’d named it Wart, and it lived in her quarters, hoarding spare parts like acorns.)

Because the Avengers were really good at hitting things—and each other—but weak when it came to activities that required endurance and appreciation of culture, she generally could only depend on Balrog to stick with her all the way through.  Clint had an uncanny sixth sense for the archery scenes and would materialize and dematerialize accordingly.  Steve and Bucky, who were alive when _The Hobbit_ was first published, quite enjoyed that trilogy especially, and would drop in occasionally.  Thor loved it all, and could usually be counted on to stick with her for all six films when he was on Midgard.  Tony, the uneducated, degenerate, _heathen,_ said he’d seen them in the theatre when they’d come out, and they were all right to see once, he supposed, but they’d be better with robots.

This year it was just her and Balrog—Thor was on-world, but had been Thor-napped by his tiny mad-scientist girlfriend.  It had been a long, hard road, but the end was in sight.  They were in the middle of the Battle of the Pelennor Fields, coming up on Darcy’s favourite part—Eowyn facing down the Witch King with sass and epicness.  Eowyn took off her helmet.  _I am no man,_ Darcy mouthed in time with the shieldmaiden, leaning forward eagerly.  She never got tired of this part.  Eowyn raised her sword—

—the screen went black.

Darcy blinked.  ‘What?’

All the lights in the common room blinked out.

‘You have _got_ to be kidding me!’

Balrog unfolded himself from the three-quarters of couch he had been sprawled across, hopping to the floor and trotting to the hallway.  His eyes glowed in the darkness of the common room, allowing Darcy to track his movement.

‘Balrog!  What do your bilgesnipe-eyes see?’ she called after him.

He glanced over his shoulder and rolled his eyes, a gesture she was pretty sure he’d picked up from Tony, and poked his head into the hallway.  She hopped off the couch and came up beside him.  As she did, she could hear yelling and crashes coming from down the hall.

‘Seriously?  They couldn’t wait _two more hours?!_   They just _had_ to attack now?!’  She started pacing back and forth as she muttered under her breath.  ‘I ask so little of the universe, I really do.  I put up with mad scientists, bratty superheroes with more powers than sense, shady organizations bent on global domination, _kidnappings_ by said organizations, aliens, _invasions,_ and I take it.  I take it all!  All I ask is that I get two days, _two days,_ once a year, to watch the single most epic saga ever filmed.  And what do I get?  The power cut halfway through the final movie, that’s what!’  Her voice was getting steadily louder.  ‘Well you know what?  I’m done!  They want war?  I will bring them war!’ 

Normally, Darcy was perfectly happy to find a dark corner and bunker down until the fighting was over.  She was under no illusions about her own prowess—yes, she could hold her own in a fight if she needed to, and yes, she was more than handy with a taser.  But it didn’t change the fact that she was a non-powered civilian, and generally she was perfectly willing to stand back and let the Avengers do their job.

Normally, she wasn’t operating on less than five hours of sleep over the last day-and-a-half.

She stalked back to the couch and snatched up the croquet mallet she kept handy to play Whack-a-Hawk with Clint when he was being annoying in the vents.  Turning back to Balrog, she met his evil grin with one of her own.  ‘Let’s ride!’

Balrog was the size of a pony, which was still small for a bilgesnipe, but more than big enough for Darcy to ride.  They got a kick out of riding around Central Park on occasion, waving cordially at the horrified tourists  as they passed, like Julie Andrews in _The Princess Diaries_.  So it was with practiced ease that Balrog knelt, allowing Darcy to scramble on his back.  When she was settled, he got to his feet and started down the hall, gaining speed as he went.

Darcy pulled Palpatine from his holster—she never went anywhere without the taser—and waved the mallet over her head.  _‘Deeeeaaaaath!’_ she yelled.  Balrog let out a roar that caused the fighting to freeze.  She took advantage of their surprise to start whacking goons with her mallet.  Balrog coordinated with her movements to swipe at the invading agents with his claws and sweep them out of the way with his antlers.  Agent Baskerville, the head of SHIELD’s canine division, had eyed Balrog contemplatively when he was big enough to ride before suggesting to Darcy that they should train for mounted combat.  That training was paying off now, as they effectively decimated the ranks of HYDRA goons.

When the haze of battle cleared, Darcy was rather shocked to discover that she and Balrog and the Avengers were the only ones left standing.  The floor was littered with HYDRA soldiers, all groaning or drooling unconscious on the floor.  The Avengers were staring at her in awe.  She rested the mallet on her shoulder and waved with the hand holding Palpatine.  ‘Hey, guys!  Wassup?’

Tony lifted his faceplate.  ‘That was amazing!  You and the hellbeast can play on my polo team any time you want!’  Clint snickered and elbowed Nat.  Tony glared at them.  ‘Hey!  Polo is a difficult sport requiring multitasking skills _and_ excellent eye-hand coordination!’

Clint held up his hands.  ‘I didn’t say anything.’

Thor came over and clapped a hand on Darcy’s shoulder, nearly knocking her off Balrog.  ‘A glorious display, Darcy!  I always knew you would be a formidable opponent!’  His wide grin skewed slightly towards grimace as he moved his hand from Darcy’s shoulder to awkwardly pat the end of one of Balrog’s antlers.  ‘And you, beast, have a heart for battle and are a worthy companion for my lightning sister.’

Bucky leaned over to Steve and whispered loudly, ‘I think I must be going deaf in my old age.  I coulda sworn Thor just complemented Balrog!’

Steve shrugged.  ‘Don’t ask me.  I turn 99 in July.’

Sam came up behind them and slung his arms over their shoulders.  ‘C’mon, old-timers.  Let’s find your walkers before you fall over and break something.’

Steve raised an eyebrow at Bucky, who nodded.  Together, they flipped Sam onto his back.

‘Oh, no,’ Bucky deadpanned.  ‘I think I broke something.’

Sam swiped his legs out from under him, sending him crashing into Steve.  Soon, all three were wrestling like oversized toddlers.

Darcy watched them for a minute before shaking her head.  ‘Well, kids, this has been fun, but I’ve got a marathon to finish.  Tony, how long until we get the power back?’

‘I’ve got FRIDAY working on it.  We should be getting it back…’  The lights came on.  ‘Now.  I am _good_.’

‘Sweet.  I think you guys can handle clean-up.  If you’ll excuse us, Balrog and I have an appointment with Mount Doom.  That ring’s not gonna toss itself!’  She pointed with her mallet.  ‘Onward, Balrog!  Ride now, ride now!  Ride to Gondor!’

**Author's Note:**

> Darcy christened her croquet mallet Glamdring, because after seeing battle it deserved its own name, and Foe Hammer seemed appropriate. (She'd considered Mew-Two or Mjunior, but the one felt too Pokemon and the other was too hard to pronounce. Besides, she'd just come off 20 hours of Middle Earth.)
> 
> The Avengers passed the clean-up off to SHIELD, and joined Darcy in the common room for the rest of Return of the King. She threatened them (Tony) with Glamdring whenever they (Tony) made a loud comment about how it would be better with robots.
> 
> Got a prompt? Leave it in the comments below, or [shoot the breeze](https://taleasoldastime-andspace.tumblr.com/ask) on tumblr. No smut, slash, or polyships, please and thank you!
> 
> Namarie, my little bilgesnipes!


End file.
